Utopian Dream

The back end of a bank holiday, a blank holiday. Piano from Wigmore Hall on the radio, a man painting the walls to the playground black, cloudy.

The immediate world. The failed. The time, it says 13 : 50 in the corner. Fly flying around and about, already killed two today. And a hole in my shirt. And my socks and almost everything else. Down the tubes, up the ante, break the spell, spurge the system, curse the piston, back the loser, crack the code, blow the nose, shave the face and anything doesn’t go.

Not funny anymore. Knowing its going, knowing its gone. The presumption of guilt, the admission of innocence, the curse of the clock, the chopping of a log. Verily I say to you, few are called, none are chosen. All the bricks in the world, all the sticks in the mud, all the rice in China, all these things laid end to end would stretch from here to there and back again. So they say, but I don’t believe it. No more money business. Not a spelling error. No trials and no tribulations, miles of calculations. Banksters never say sorry. I gesticulate, masticate and ruminate on specific generalities, moreorlesslessly.

So many numbers, not all of them can be right. Endless zeros …

How long is it before the beginning ?

Reason and necessity. Meaning and value. The turn of the screw, the turn of the tide, the change of the season, the last day of the month. Everything has gone blue. Made it up as he went along. Following the correct procedures. Only obeying orders. The Y Factor. The X factory. This alphabet soup is cold.

Spaghetti Junctions. Going to meet thy maker. A little knowledge is a dangerous thing, but why ? Does that mean a great amount of knowledge is an extremely dangerous thing ? Might it explode ? I prevaricate, therefore I might be, or not, as the case may be.

Due to circumstances beyond your control, way beyond control. Willing it to happen, or to not happen, depending. Presentiment and the growing sense of false alarm. Looking out of the window to see the weather, but it had gone somewhere else. All most strange away. The road curved and lost its bearings. The streetlights all went out. The bus stop ran off pursued by a bollard. The drain woke up from its dream and the kerbstones were singing at the tops of their voices. A cat was thrown from a window and the pigeon laid a wooden egg. It must have been raining, but the clouds were all empty. Today of all days. No seagulls.

The Ship is empty, every bed is full, the hospital is floating away downstream, levitation in all the rooms, the corridors have lost their power …

Monopoly being played by large groups of people gathered on street corners. Boxes of soap are left at every doorstep, milk is piped instead of water and small tubes of toothpaste are distributed. Thousands of pizzas are delivered to a Post Office, but its closed. Wrong address.

All video tapes play the same film, all radios play the same tune, all the dogs leave without saying goodbye. Kentucky Fried Chicken is declared illegal, petrol turns to water and prices are frozen. Vans called Eskimo deliver ice, that is the reality.

Only one pair of shoes to each person and only priests can ride bicycles. Cars must be ceremoniously driven into giant pits and buried. Trains run once a month and all go to the same place, Braintree in Essex. All lawyers are forbidden to speak or write letters and must only communicate with gestures. Football is to be played on floating pitches moored 3 miles offshore and spectators must swim out to watch. The ball is made of aluminium, the goals are fifteen foot wide and two foot high and each team have three goalkeepers. Matches are five days and players can change sides. Cricket and tennis are merged into one game with a bowler and a batsman on either side of the net. The fielders stand around the court where the ball boys used to be. There is no audience. The courts are five acres in extent. Golf is only played in the Artic and Antarctic regions. Rugby is played at sea, similarly to the football, but with no ball. There are 150 players to each side and games are three and a half minutes each half, seven minutes in total. Only children under five years old can watch, unless accompanied by an adult.

The Oxford and Cambridge boat race takes place in the London ring sewer with motorised robot crews and a tape recording of a cox. It is a circular route, the race lasts for nine months. It is the only programme shown on television.

There is no television for the remaining months of the year.

The cinemas show one episode of Z Cars once a week. Only men are allowed in parks, only women in swimming pools, and otters are barred.

Walking is the preferred mode of transport, bicycles are limited to travel at below walking speed and roller skating only allowed on elevated motorways. Balloons are permitted on Christmas Day and in emergencies only.

Police must stay indoors at all times unless there is a fire. Firemen are permitted but must blow out fires rather than use water, which is stored in giant bottles and must never be used.

All flies are to be rounded up and put on flights of extraordinary rendition to unknown destinations where nothing will be heard from them ever again. Birds shall live in an area specially designated for them called Birdland. It is in Surrey and is approximately two hundred miles square. The occupants of this part of Surrey must remove themselves although some will be employed to keep the birds from leaving the area using butterfly nets.

A similar arrangement will be made for fish.

When making tea the revised convention will be that the kettle shall be brought to the pot, not the other way around. The law that stated that the pot may not call the kettle black is rescinded. It remains an offence to fill a kettle with fish, even if different. Fish and chip shops may only serve chips but can retain the name.

Pubs are to serve beer at a flat rate of 50p a visit. No food is permitted in a pub and spirits only of the departed.

There will be four days to a week and three months to a year. Weekends will be 80 days. No one will be poor and shouting is forbidden.

The weather shall be sunny or rainy and nothing in between. Clouds must not move too fast. Wind is to be abolished. It will always rain on a Sunday.

Queuing is compulsory at all times, if there is no queue then it is a civic duty to form one as soon as possible. However, all bus stops will be removed and buses used as living accommodation for retired drivers. All bus drivers will be retired.

The world may be round or flat, depending upon your point of view. There is to be no monarchy and the band Queen are deemed to have never existed. All money will be free at the point of dispense and all former banks will become prisons and all former staff and executives be held therein for lengths of time commensurate with their salaries : the higher the salary the longer the length of time to be detained. All politicians will also be detained indefinitely and all members of the armed forces. They will be employed in making toys for children and the manufacture of sweets. All bad people must become priests and help the ill and the deranged.

Chinese take away will be free.

No land is to be owned by anyone and no property can be bought or sold.

All factories that do not make something edible, useful or beautiful will be closed down.

All roads are to be planted with trees and grasses.

Headaches and accidents are forbidden.

There will be tea and biscuits but not coffee and biscuits.

Everyone gets a pound of sausages each day.

That’s it.